The American Egg Board is at the ready with – wait for it – thirty thousand eggs donated for the event, fifteen thousand of which will be dyed and transported across the South Lawn of the White House by little kids with spoons in their mouths. (Please don’t ask me how that got started – I haven’t a clue but if you Google it and find out, let me know in our comments section.) And the other fifteen thousand will be boiled and put on a stick. It’ll be an egg pop of sorts.
In one of the most shocking news stories of our time, perpetually young entertainer Barry Manilow came out as straight this week, shocking millions of fans who had believed for decades that he was “completely, utterly gay,” as one traumatized fan sobbed outside a Las Vegas record store.
From the moment Russian President Vladimir Putin elected Donald Trump to lead America, we have all been hoodwinked into believing that certain issues are important enough to cut into our drinking-time. What we are not focusing on, however, is a very sinister conspiracy about which every American should be gravely concerned. Let me preach on it.