It’s Black Friday, and you know what that means: The unwashed masses flood into stores across the nation at the crack of dawn, hoping to gobble up whatever deal they can find in their maddened frenzy. And woe unto any man, woman, or child who gets in the way of these holiday shoppers – if you escape the crush merely bruised and battered, consider yourself lucky.
But this year turned out differently – and, really, we should have known it would. With Joe Biden at the helm, our unifier-in-chief, if you will, an end to capitalist greed and class oppression was all but guaranteed. With inflation and the shortage of goods thanks to the supply chain crunch, this turned out to be the best Black Friday ever. Thank you, Mr. President!
Turkey Boloney
As America geared up for the most violent Black Friday in history – you know, ‘cause of racism and all – the signs were clear. The beautiful mix of inflation and worker shortages made Thanksgiving turkeys hard to find – and expensive when found. Alas, turkey is only the centerpiece of a single meal – a luxury when your overall grocery bill doubles and your wage remains the same.
Folks who broke the bank on holiday meals simply didn’t have anything left to spend on the nation’s biggest buying day. Many stayed home. Those who opted to shop did so with a spirit of defeat from the outset; they knew they were flat busted, but even a longshot was worth a look. As for those who skimped on Thanksgiving for the sake of Christmas shopping, well, it’s hard to get excited when your body is eating itself.
Inflation and Short Supply Means Shorter Conflicts
Things got rough as the early morning crowds ambled half-heartedly into the stores only to see mostly bare shelves. As we know from previous Black Fridays, a short supply breeds an even shorter temper – and things did get a bit violent as people rushed toward what scraps remained …
Until folks saw the price tags.
(Photo by Jeremy Hogan/SOPA Images/LightRocket via Getty Images)
A few scuffles ensued, of course – it’s a tradition, after all – but who really wants to pay $25 for that gift box of five hot sauces that was $10 just a few years ago? Is that worth killing or maiming your fellow human – or risking the same fate for yourself? Of course not. Indeed, it didn’t take long for people to realize that nothing in the store was really worth fighting over – except for what little food remained, of course. Remember, for about half the people out this morning, the last meal was a peanut butter sandwich on Wednesday.
In just a matter of minutes, the once-violent mass transformed into a fellowship united against all the rich people who weren’t paying their fair share. Hands were shaken. Neighbors were hugged. That one guy in the “Let’s Go, Brandon!” sweater got Duct Taped to a wall upside down with his head in a trash can.
It was a true holiday miracle – and a day that will live on in the minds of men until the end of time. Or, at the very least, until the next time a racist Republican is elected president.
Thank Biden We’re Building Back Better
Could you imagine how bad it would have been under the other guy? You know the one. He has many titles: Orange Man Bad, Divider-in-Chief, Literally Hitler, and all the rest, which we can’t reprint here for decency’s sake.
Whatever you call him, He Who Must Not Be Named (lest we violate anyone’s safe space) would have glorified in the violent division. Under Kindly Uncle Joe, however, we finally have the peace we were promised. All it cost us was any personal wealth and the quality of life we have come to expect. Oh, and our freedom – but who needs that, really? You can’t eat liberty.
Without our glorious leader’s decisions driving the nation over the last 11 months, inflation, unemployment, and the supply chain breakdown almost certainly wouldn’t be where they are today. Now imagine if Congress had actually passed Biden’s Build Back Better Act in time to influence the holidays. Trillions in government spending, including a veritable army of IRS agents to comb through the accounts of the wealthy and put a stop to their cheating ways …
Ah well, perhaps Sens. Joe Manchin (D-WV) and Kyrsten Sinema (D-AZ) will stop being so selfish, so short-sighted, so … well, so Republican. After months of chaos, the nation knew peace – if only for a day. Now imagine how great life could be without the partisan hacks in the GOP or those two Democrat turncoats obstructing the president’s progress. If only we could Build Back Better now, maybe by next year we could transcend the need for holidays and shopping altogether!
~ Read more from James Fite.
