Chelsea Clinton. Smart, funny, educated, fascinating, beautiful; she’s none of those things, yet, she occupies a special place in the heart of every American. Without a doubt, she is future presidential material, so let us celebrate this national treasure by mixing up a huge batch of that special Jim Jones Kool-Aid.
What would we do without Chelsea’s wit and wisdom? She is a shining inspiration to women everywhere; proving that even when one is born into a family of liars, thieves, and sexual predators, one can blissfully ignore it all and assume the mantle of a great, independent American thinker.
Named for a famous British soccer team, Chelsea Clinton mesmerizes us, each day, with her astounding grasp of what is right and wrong; true and false. Recently, she alerted us to the fact that global warming is causing diabetes. Marvelous! On Saturday, she exposed a shocking lie, spread by unscrupulous Republicans. As the Blaze didn’t but should have reported, “The Palm Beach County Republican Party took a break from hating hard-working undocumented immigrants and everyone who is not a millionaire by holding its annual – or yearly – Lincoln Day Dinner. The official program for the dinner featured a portrait of President Abraham Lincoln proudly wearing the now-famous red ball cap adorned with the words “Make America Great Again.””
Obviously, those dastardly GOP fascists had concocted a fake news story. President Trump, they insinuated, had jumped into his time-machine – otherwise known as ‘the greatest Trump time-traveling transporter of all time, ever, and way better than yours’ – and leaped back to 1865. Once there, he presented Lincoln with the cap. Lincoln was so thrilled that he decided to wear it whilst posing for his five-dollar-bill portrait. We all hope, of course, that Trump’s next leap is the leap home.
Meanwhile, back in the here and now, Chelsea Clinton took to Twitter to reveal the heinous Republican deception. She suggested, cleverly, that the image of Lincoln wearing the Trump cap may have been photoshopped!
Questions remain: Did Lincoln actually wear the cap, or is this just pure theater? Was Clinton’s suggestion of digital manipulation just a shot in the dark? What does our American cousin think of all this? Is this Lincoln-related shtick amusing or highly inappropriate?
According to a Townhall report, Chelsea is working on “a children’s picture book about influential women in history.” The book is titled “She Persisted.” How appropriate? She certainly does persist. Here are some other things that persist: Herpes; stupidity; other Clintons.
Chelsea’s Twitter account is, surely, a must-follow for anyone seeking enlightenment. More informative than a can of soup, wittier than Dennis Miller getting a prostate exam and more attention-grabbing than her mother’s most stunning pantsuit.
Haste the day she writes her memoirs; a journey through the mind of Chelsea Clinton would surely seem like a day smoking crack at Disneyworld.
Tweet on, Chelsea, tweet on. President Trump thanks you for it and we lowly plebs continue to hang upon your every word.
More rope, anyone?
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